Monohhhh
by Tribbith
Summary: Finn makes it his mission to explain to Rachel exactly what her kisses feel like to him.


**Set after 'Silly Love Songs' because really, how could Rachel ever think Finn didn't feel **_**something**_** when they kissed? I'd really love some feedback on this fic if you have the time since I think I rambled a bit too much...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, or mono (thank goodness!). Also, I don't own the song 'Please Forgive Me'; David Gray does.**

Monohhhh. Finn says the word _exactly_ like that in his head, though he isn't sure if that's 'cause he still has a killer headache, or if it's 'cause that's the only word left in his vocabulary.

Monohhhhhhhh.

Monohhhhhhhhhhh.

Ugh, stupid time-wasting, draining, frickin' monohhhhhhhhh. He opens his eyes reluctantly to remind himself that he's still in the nurse's room (he's _totally_ gonna be having words with his mom!), and this time, there's no pretty blonde on the patient bed thingy, and there's no prettier brunette holding a white thingy on his head.

He groans out loud as he tries to sit up. What the hell? He can't remember the word towel? Oh snap, he remembered!

Towel. Towel towel towel towel towel.

"Towel," he says out loud, and Finn has to stop himself from punching the air in success.

Then he remembers what he's doing here in the first place, and honestly, remembering the word _towel_ (it sounds really weird in his head right now. Like, you know how you say a word over and over and _over_ again and it kind of doesn't sound like a word at _all_ anymore? Towel. Towel. Towel?) isn't as impressive as it should be.

In fact, Finn fucking hates the word towel! Stupid, time-wasting, draining, frickin'-

Wait, crap, he's doing it again. It's like his brain has been screwed up 'cause he can't focus on more than a few words at a time or something.

He eases himself back down onto the patient bed thingy with a loud, dramatic sigh, and it kind of sucks that there's no one around to take care of him.

Shit, Rachel, she had been there! It's like he'd just forgotten for a minute 'cause Finn suddenly remembers that he called her beautiful, right? Yeah, he's almost positive that he called her beautiful, which isn't even a lie; Rachel's _so_ beautiful, though he probably should have told her that while they were still dating.

Monohhhhhhh. His head is fucking _killing_ him! Quinn's mom picked her up _hours_ ago and his mom still hasn't arrived!

Shit, Quinn, she had been there too! It's like he'd just forgotten for a minute 'cause Finn suddenly remembers that-

He closes his eyes, counts to ten, forgets the number seven, then takes a deep breath. He shouldn't be trying to do so much thinking when he's sick; it's hard enough most of the time anyway. He just needs to go to sleep for a bit, wait for his mom to finally pick him up, and then he can worry about making everything right with everyone later, yeah?

Yep, sounds like a plan, and his eyelids flutter 'cause he's exhausted and feeling so shitty, and as the word towel plays over and over in his head, it suddenly stops, and it's replaced with a new word; fireworks.

Oh. Shit.

**Glee!**

"Finn honey, I love you but you're really testing my patience."

His mom looks over at him as she drives him home, and he wants to throw her out of the window, and then he wants to throw _himself_ out of the window for even thinking such a dumbass thing. He knows he's annoying her 'cause he's annoying himself, but he can't turn his mouth off or something.

"But mom, my head hurts. I fucking hate monohhhhhh..." He slumps in his seat and rubs at his eyes 'cause he's all kinds of tired and oops, shit, he just cursed. Uh, wait, oh _crap_, he just cursed (see what he did there? He just reined himself in like a boss).

"For the last time Finn, I _know_," his mom says tersely. He can see her gripping the steering wheel really hard and stuff, which means she's piiiiiiissed. "I'll do my best to make you feel comfortable but until the painkillers kick in, you're just going to have to be brave."

Fuuuuuuck, ugh, seriously, this _blows_. Blows. Blows. Huh, blows reminds Finn of a fan, and the thought of a fan blowing against his face somehow cools him down, and before he knows it, his mom is struggling under his weight in an attempt to carry him to his bedroom. He feels like absolute crap, but as soon as he pictures his small bed and the cowboy wallpaper and the fan that's hidden inside the wardrobe, Finn sprints like a madman up the stairs, ripping his clothes off as he goes. He slumps on the bed, turns on the fan, then peacefully dreams that camels are licking his back clean of sand (yeah, he doesn't get it either but the camels make him feel happy so who the hell cares?).

**Glee!**

Finn isn't sure what day it is, or how long he's been ill, but he wakes up one morning and he _sings_ because he feels so awesome! He even jumps out of bed and does a weird little dance thing, but he stops as soon as he steps in an uneaten bowl of chicken soup that drenches his socks. Still, he can't complain, and he jumps into the shower with this huge ass smile on his face because he feels gooooood.

He usually uses his shower time doing three things. The first, if it's an early morning, is for an extra ten minutes of napping time. He's learnt the art of staying upright in the shower while being asleep, and yeah, he nearly choked on the water once but he's an expert now, and it gives him a little more energy when he needs it.

His second use of shower time goes to belting out some epic song while he rubs shampoo into his hair. Maybe it's the acoustics, or maybe it's the way the water flows soothingly down his back, but Finn _loves_ singing in the shower. When he was dating Rachel, he always fantasised about singing to her while they were _both_ in the shower, and yeah, he thought that was an inevitability (he can think properly again, and that's quite a big word!). And okay, so maybe he won't be shower-singing to girls for a while, but it doesn't mean that he's given it up altogether; there's nothing like screaming along to Meatloaf while coating himself in some fruity shower gel.

His third use of shower time goes to jerking off, which, come on, every guy does, right? (actually, he doesn't know the answer to that. He _assumes_ that other dudes do it in the shower too, but it's not like he goes round asking the football players or something. Whatever, this is a really weird topic, and he has other things to think about). As sad as it is though, he hasn't done that for a while (in the shower at least). Even though it makes him sound like a pansy, since he and Rachel broke up, he's kind of... drifted away from that, and he can't be bothered to think about why.

Now he has a fourth use for his shower time, and it appears when he sees the clean towel his mom left out for him; fireworks; he needs to use this time to _think_.

He doesn't remember a lot of his monohhhhhh time, but he does remember everything that happened with him and Rachel. Finn was never the most perceptive of guys before he met Rachel, but when he started dating her, he _had_ to be, because unlike Quinn, she expected him to pay attention to her, so he did (most of the time).

He became even more perceptive when they broke up, because even though he was trying to move on, Finn needed to know what was going on with her, how she was feeling, what she was doing. When she was there with the towel, he thought back to that phrase that he never really understood; when life gives you lemons... something. Okay, whatever, he doesn't understand it, but Rachel was his lemon, right? (No, that can't be right 'cause the lemons are supposed to be the bad things in the phrase, and he doesn't really consider Rachel to be a bad lemon).

So he studied her. He watched her face and her movements and he noted the pitch of her voice and the hope in her eyes and he memorised it _all_; now it's time to put it to good use.

Finn turns the water on and lets out a small yelp as the boiling water scalds his back; shit, he'd forgotten that the shower has been playing up. Once he's adjusted the temperature a little, he massages some kind of shampoo in his hair, and dwells on the kiss thing.

Fireworks when he kissed Quinn; it wasn't even a lie.

Screw it, he can't think in here. He scores off the 'thinking space' entry of his imaginary shower list, and hurries to wash away the soap 'cause he has school to catch up with; he wonders vaguely if he's still McKinley's stud.

**Glee!**

"Hey Finn!" says Artie brightly. Finn gives him an enthusiastic grin 'cause he likes Artie, and the kid in the wheelchair seems happy to see him. "You feeling better now?"

"Sure am," he smiles, and Artie nods.

"Yeah, you don't look like you're going to die anymore, which is reassuring."

Finn chuckles and sticks his hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket as he follows Artie to the choir room. "I don't feel like I'm going to die anymore either, so it's all good." For a second, he wants to ask how Quinn is doing. Is she back at school now? Did she get it worse than he did? Is she still dating Sam? These are all questions he could ask Artie while he's the only one around, but he doesn't.

It's not that Finn doesn't care, but he just... _doesn't_ care.

"Quinn came back yesterday," Artie says quietly, and Finn just makes an 'oh' sound because he doesn't know what else to say, which is weird. "Sam had a bit of a meltdown a couple of days ago, but they're still dating." He looks up at Finn, and Finn just nods, nod nod nod nod, 'cause that's all he can do.

"How's Rachel?" he asks. Finn notices the way Artie shuffles uncomfortably in his chair as he pushes him along, and he's not really sure why he looks so nervous.

"She's good. Actually, she seems really good. She performed Katy Perry's Firework during glee last week."

Finn feels his stomach cave in on itself, and it's a _really_ good job that he's holding onto Artie's wheelchair now because otherwise he probably would have just fallen headfirst onto the hallway floor. "I'm going to- I forgot that- I'll see you in there Artie!" Finn yells. He yells because he's sprinting in the opposite direction of the choir room, heading for the bathroom instead. He slams the door open, forces himself into one of the stalls, then bangs his head against the door repeatedly with a wince. "Monohhhhhh," he moans, even though it has nothing to do with that; he knows what it's to do with.

Guilt guilt tra la la he's all guilty and stuff. Rachel sung Firework, and she sung that because she thought that Finn didn't feel fireworks when they kissed.

Fuck it, she's right though! He slams his head against the door again, this time with a little more force. He's trying this new thing, right? And it involves being honest with people, but it also involves being honest with himself, and for that to happen, he just has to _admit_ stuff, okay?

Kissing Rachel Berry wasn't like fireworks, and that breaks his heart.

Bingo, ding ding ding, hurray, he's finally owning the fuck up! Kissing Quinn was exciting and new and kissing Rachel was nothing like that.

Heart broken, head broken, thoughts broken. Are his lips broken? Why didn't he feel that with Rachel?

Honesty, come on Hudson!

It's one of those light bulb moments, and Finn looks up in an attempt to see it hovering about his head with enlightenment, but all he sees is a spider hanging above him on a web, and he's ashamed to say that he lets out a groan of terror (only for a second though, he actually really likes spiders).

He _knows_ what it is! He knows what's wrong, and what he couldn't say to Rachel when he had the towel on his head, and when he had monohhhh.

Dude, he's a total genius (okay, that's probably pushing it but he feels like he's just seen the light, and in a way he has because the light in the bathroom flickers like some kind of _sign_).

Mission; seek and destroy.

Wait, scratch that, seek and inform; less badass but this honesty thing is important.

**Glee!**

Finn's back in his new bedroom at the Hummel house. Him and his mom have slowly been moving in there, and he spends most of his nights in his new room; when he had monohhhhh, it was just better for everyone if he stayed out of the way, germing up his old place instead of the new one (the house is on the market but it's a bad time to be selling; at least he gets two homes like some kind of king; King Finn is totally the best nickname in the world).

He's gotten used to living with Burt and Kurt, and in fact, he kinda likes it. Burt watches a buttload of sports, which is awesome, and who knew that Kurt would turn out to be a pretty decent brother? He's awesome 'cause he brings Finn food, and he's awesome 'cause he brings Finn hot milk, and he's awesome 'cause he's adopted Rachel as his new friend, which means that she's _always_ at the house these days, having sleepovers with Mercedes and bringing over sugar cookies that Finn steals when no one's looking.

Yup, all in all, Finn's getting used to all of these changes.

Crap, wait, another lie; Finn's getting used to _most_ of these changes, and it probably comes as no surprise that Rachel is the one thing he can't get used to.

He though he had it covered. MVP Finn is pretty much the same as King Finn, and fuck, he's never had so much female attention before! It was cool at first, with all the girls swooning and drooling over him 'cause he was single and he had his pick of the whole _school_, and then he wanted Quinn out of the blue, which he just embraced at first, right? And it was fireworks and sneaking around and danger, and then he got monohhhhh and it doesn't really seem worth it anymore.

And then there was Rachel. She said she was still in love with him, she wanted his kisses, she wanted him to tell her she was pretty, and she wanted to know how it felt when their lips met; all this stuff, this stuff that clearly shows she hasn't moved on, doesn't help _him_ move on, and moving on is hard enough when you don't want to move on in the first place; Finn's sort of glad that he's stuck in a Rachel rut, alright?

He doesn't know what's going to happen now. He gave her the necklace, he told her she was worth more than he could give her, and he told her they needed space, and all of that was the truth. But he wants other things too. He _wanted_ to tell her that he still loves her, because that's one of the only things he's sure about (apart from the word towel, because when he's not thinking about kisses and confusion and monohhhhh, he's thinking about towels). He _wanted_ to tell her that he wants them to try again, sometime in the future. That could be next week, next month, or even next year, but all Finn knows is that Finchel is endgame, no buts or excuses involved.

His head was seriously all over the place though, and in all honesty, it still is.

However, dun dun duuuuun! Finn has a plan, and while it may not involve guns and terrorists and CTU like an episode of 24 (you know what sounds better than King Finn? Finn Bauer, federal agent! Pew pew pew, look at him shooting his gun!), it involves heart, and it's the answer to wrapping up one problem. The rest of them? He'll have to deal with those later.

It's eight o'clock exactly, and Finn waits for the knock on his bedroom door. Knock knock knock.

"Come in Kurt!" he yells, throwing his iPod down on the bed. Kurt enters with a glass of milk in one hand and a fresh croissant thing in the other, and after Finn gives him an encouraging nod, the smaller boy perches on the end of the bed, handing him the milk.

"Good evening Finn," he says politely.

Finn smiles. "Hey, thanks." He gulps the milk down in two breathes and swallows the croissant almost whole. He notices the way Kurt winces and shakes his head, but his brother needs to learn that, today, there are more important things than food. "When are Rachel and Mercedes coming over?" he asks innocently. He wipes the back of his hand across his mouth and licks away the crumbs and milk and general smile, 'cause he needs to make sure this works.

"Oh, they'll be arriving any minute. Mercedes has some romcom that she's _insisting_ we all suffer through, though I must admit, I have a soft spot for anything involving Patrick Dempsey; he really is a fine specimen of a man."

Finn has to stop himself from snoring, even though he's awake. He doesn't know who Patrick someone is, and anyway, he isn't really interested in the finer details. "Oh, okay, cool. Um, when they get here, could you ask Rachel to come and see me?"

Kurt raises an eyebrow with a disgusted scrunch of his nose. "Finn, I don't know what you're planning but-"

"You're my brother Kurt, and I need you to trust me." Bahahaha, it's _awesome_ that Finn's voice is louder and deeper than Kurt's because he can just talk over him, which always comes in handy.

Kurt rolls his eyes and lifts the empty glass from Finn's grasp. "Fine, but if you hurt her, I'm going to come in here and personally castrate you." He scrunches his nose up again. "On second thoughts, I'll let Mercedes do it." He heads out of the room, looks at Finn expectantly, then disappears as the doorbell rings.

Finn gulps, and he gulps, and he gulps again for good measure. This isn't even the hard part, but it's always a little weird talking to Rachel. It's like, when he sees her, he feels like there's a huge distance between them, and yet at the same time, he still wants to kiss her senseless and do really um, well, graphic things to her (that makes him sound like a perv, but he can't think of a different word right now).

"H-hi Finn," comes the tiny voice of Rachel Berry, who hovers in the doorway.

Finn jumps up and gives her his nicest, friendliest smile. "Hey Rachel, come in." He kicks some dirty clothes under his bed and smiles even more, to which Rachel looks a little frightened.

"Kurt said you wanted to talk to me?"

"Can you come over next week?" he asks matter-of-factly. He's decided not to mess around delaying things, so yeah, he's totally biting the bullet on this one. "I need to make something right with you, and I really need you to give me a chance."

Rachel bites her lip and fiddles with her hair, which she's plaited into pigtails (om nom nom; that's the noise Finn makes in his head as he stares at her hair). "Sure, I um... When?"

"I'll text you," he says with a nod. "Anyway, that's all I wanted to ask. Have fun with Peter Delaney."

Rachel smiles bashfully and looks to the floor. "Patrick Dempsey. Bye Finn."

Insert triumphant music here.

**Glee!**

He's gone over it a thousand times, he's told Kurt to mind his own business a thousand and one times, and if he tries to practice it anymore, Finn's worried that his voice will shrivel up in his throat, and then he'll swallow it, and that would be a bit of a bummer.

He thought about that a lot when he had monohhhhh, actually. Yeah, so he could barely string a sentence together at that point, but he had this really weird fear that he was going to somehow swallow his voice.

Focus Hudson, that isn't going to happen now... hopefully.

Finn glances at the clock on his wall and takes a deep breath 'cause she should be here any-

Ding dong! He tenses up, and hears Kurt open the door. Finn can here muffled laughter and chatter, and by the sounds of things, Mercedes is with them (her and Rachel should just move in permanently 'cause they might as well be members of the family).

He can hear someone climbing the stairs, and he knew it wasn't Kurt so-

"Hello Finn," Rachel says politely, and Finn notices with happiness that she's wearing sequin leg warmers _and_ pigtails; double bonus.

"Hey Rachel, come in, come in, make yourself comfy and stuff." When she steps hesitantly into the room, he realises that this is all new to her (the room, not the being single stuff, though that works too). He guides her to the bed, presses his hands into the pockets of his pants, then looks her in the eye, if only for a second. "Fireworks."

He watches as the small smile on Rachel's lips disappears, and she slumps in front of him, and he resists the urge to hold her up. "Fireworks. Finn, I don't think I-"

"You never gave me the chance to explain myself," he says, and he wins again at life because his voice is louder and deeper than Rachel's too, and she stops in midsentence so she doesn't interrupt him.

"Oh?"

"Kissing Quinn felt like fireworks; I'm not gonna lie about it." He shifts a little on the spot, then risks looking at her eyes. "You wanna know why?"

Rachel recoils. "Not particularly."

"Tough," he says, and he doesn't like the way Rachel winces, like she's been slapped or something. "No more lies, ever, and that means hearing the good stuff _and_ the bad." He clears his throat. "It was like fireworks because fireworks are pretty rockin'... at first." He watches as Rachel's eyes shine, 'cause she knows where this is going already; she isn't stupid.

"At first?"

Finn sits next to her, though he's careful not to touch her. "Think about it. They explode in the air, all new and sparkly and exciting and dangerous, but then they fade away into nothing, and you're left with this _empty_ feeling 'cause there's nothing there, nothing there to hold on to."

Rachel opens and closes her mouth like a goldfish. "I didn't think you understood metaphors."

"I don't," Finn admits with a grin, "but I understand this one, and I need you to too, you know?" He stops himself from reaching out to hold her hand. "It was good, I'm not going to lie about that, but why would I want a firework when-" He stops himself. Maybe this isn't the right time? She's happy-ish now, and like, at least she understands what he meant?

"When?" she asks in barely a whisper. Finn feels his heart ache 'cause she looks so pretty today. That's stupid though, because she always looks pretty.

"-when I had what _we _had." He looks away, and jumps when he feels her hands, her tiny, dainty, pretty little hands, cupping his. "I can't explain it just yet." He stands up and pulls away from her touch. He looks at her, and she looks a little crestfallen, until he presses a button on his stereo. "Is it okay if I sing it first?"

Rachel nods, a little apprehensive, and Finn begins to tap his foot to the music. He wonders if she's familiar with the song, but either way, it doesn't make much difference.

"_Please forgive me if I act a little strange for I know not what I do;_ _feels like lightning running through my veins every time I look at you, every time I look at you_."

He rubs his fingers together, like he always does when he's nervous, and even though he _really_ needs to look away, he stares at Rachel, 'cause this is for her, and it would be really rude to ignore her or something.

"_Help me out here, all my words are falling short, and there's so much I want to say. I want to tell you just how good it feels when you look at me that way, when you look at me that way."_

Finn's not really doing the song justice. David Gray has such an epic voice, and yeah, Finn's voice doesn't really suit this song at _all_.

"_Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow, moving out across the bay. Like a stone I fall into your eyes, deep into that mystery, deep into some mystery."_

Hmmm, he really wants some soup. He hasn't had any since the monohhhh, and yeah, after he tells Rachel exactly how he feels, he's gonna go make some soup (or alternatively, get Kurt to make him some).

"_I've got half a mind to scream out loud, I've got half a mind to die, so I won't ever have to lose you girl, won't ever have to say goodbye; I won't ever have to lie, won't ever have to say goodbye."_

Woop woop, he's almost done! The more he thinks about food, the hungrier he gets, and Finn wonders if they have any special vegan soups in the house that Rachel can share with him.

"_Please forgive me if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do; feels like lightning running through my veins every time I look at you, every time I look at you, every time I look at you, every time I look at you."_

He turns off the stereo and licks his lips 'cause they're suddenly all dry. He knows that Rachel wants to say something, but he isn't finished yet. He pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and clears his throat before looking back at her. "Um, okay, I need to say a few things first." He glances at the paper and nods to himself. "Right, you know the line about lightning in my veins when I look at you? That's exactly how I feel." He licks his lips again. "And that's only when I _look _at you Rachel. When we kissed, it was like..."

"Like lightning for you too?" she asks shakily. "Was it like a warm, exciting tingle that engulfed your whole body?"

He nods numbly. "Actually, yeah, that's exactly-"

Rachel jumps up and bites her lip. "Could you feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, like you had just been electrocuted?" She takes a few steps towards him.

"Yeah, totally, but you're stealing my epic speech!" He scans his shitty list of things he needs to say then makes a noise of recognition in the back of his throat. "Oh, yeah, another thing; the bit when I sung about my words falling short, even though I had a lot to say? And like, how I wanted to tell you how I felt when you looked at me?" He gulps painfully and loudly because Rachel's _really_ close to him now, and her eyes are all shimmery and huge. "That was the truth too, 'cause the monohhhh-" He covers his mouth stupidly as Rachel laughs.

"Mon_ohhhh?_" she asks, a smirk pulling at her lips.

"Never mind," he says, dismissing it with a shake of his head. "When I had mono, I couldn't get my words together, and when you were asking me what it was like to kiss Quinn, to kiss _you_..." He stops to brush a strand of hair from her cheek. "I couldn't say what I wanted to, that fireworks are nothing like lightning, you know?" He licks his lips again (they're so frickin' dry!). "And yeah, the rest of the song pretty much tells you how I feel. I just didn't want you thinking that I liked kissing Quinn more than I liked kissing you Rachel." He presses a cautious hand to her shoulder and sighs. "Actually, that you even compared yourself to her makes me worry."

Rachel raises an eyebrow and quietly asks, "What do you mean?"

Finn snorts; if he went into it properly, they'd be here all night (cue images of a naked Rachel sprawled across his new, large bed and- shut it imagination, there are bigger things to deal with right now!). "It worries me that you'd even question what we had together; I must have been a pretty lousy boyfriend if you thought that I didn't feel anything when we kissed." He shrugs and glances towards the door. "Anyway, I um, that's all I really wanted to tell you... Well, sing you too so..."

Rachel purses her lips and nods slowly. "Your singing was very... I've missed hearing you sing, Finn." She fingers her necklace nervously, and Finn feels his stomach do this weird flippy thing. "Thank you for... for clarifying that." She manages a small smile, and Finn _does_ have half a mind to scream out loud, just like David Gray said, 'cause what does he do now?

She loves him, right? Right, he knows she does.

He loves her, right? Right, that's the only thing he knows.

But they need space. They both need self esteem and confidence and space and a ton of other crap before they can rekindle things, if at all.

Rachel stands on the tips of her toes as she throws her arms around his neck, and when she presses her plump, shiny, Berry-flavoured lips to his, he _feels_ it!

Fucking hell, he feels it alright; lightning. It shocks his whole body, and he feels _alive_ and good and happy, and then she pulls away, kisses him on the cheek, then smiles this heartbreaking smile that gives Finn actual butterflies in his stomach.

"I felt it too," she whispers breathlessly. "I don't know about you Finn, but-"

"I need space," he blurts out. "But Rachel, listen for a second, 'kay?" He rests his hands on her shoulders, waiting for her to cry or something, but she just smiles confidently. "I need time to just adjust to _everything_, but if you're willing to wait for me, I dunno, we can..."

She kisses him again, and the lightning is stronger than the first time 'cause he feels like he's going to have a heart attack, especially when her tongue touches his. She pulls away, _again_, and she simply nods.

"I can wait." She blows him a kiss, thanks him for the lovely song, then skips out of his room to join Kurt and Mercedes, leaving Finn with his jaw hanging open, goose bumps across his skin, and his hair stuck on end.

Lightning beats the fuck out of fireworks.

Oh, and it beats the fuck out of monohhhhh too._  
_


End file.
